


Encouragement.

by NotStrayghtKids



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Crying, Felix is a sympathetic little kitten, Felix is everywhere apparently, Fluff and Angst, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Hyunjin just wants to cry in peace-, Illnesses, M/M, NineOrNone, Self Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Starvation, ThankYouWoojin, idk what else is a valid tag so imma make some In a long one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-07 17:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21221135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotStrayghtKids/pseuds/NotStrayghtKids
Summary: Hyunjin had felt many things. Happiness, Jealousy, Anger, Disgust, but something, something... Something he as feeling more frequently was time went by.Could it be hidden affection for Felix?





	Encouragement.

///////// NOT FOR THE WEAK HEARTED. MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF HARM AND DARK ACTIONS //////////

-PLEASE VIEW AT READER'S DISCRETION'

Hyunjin had felt many things. Happiness, Jealousy, Anger, Disgust, but something he was feeling a lot more often now than before was Sorrow.

He was miserable, nothing could cheer up him, lighten his spirits or change the way he thought about himself. He was constantly thinking about and letting his mind become cloded with thoughts of uselessness, lonliness, feeling that he was a burden and his friends would be much better off without him...

He was convinced thst he was only known for his visuals at this point. And now, even that began to fail him and the walls he built using this fraction of hope crumbled with his lost self esteem. 

He just wanted them to _go away;_ the comments, the voices, the people, the thoughts. _Go away..._

The slighest moment of his dark thoughts infiltrating his mind sent him spiralling into a frenzy of crazy actions and multiple breakdowns. 

They were sad, yes... But he considered himself fortunate. Fortunate that no one was noticing. No one was noticing the way he was giving delayed reactions, he was slowly piling less food onto his plate every meal and even sleeping less by quietly waking up in the early hours of the morning. It made him feel safer than normal. 

_'No one can say anything if they dont know, right?'_ Is what he would always remind himself; it was like a chant in his head now- a routine that made this whole situation a little less hard to deal with.

_ **Wrong.** _

The reality was, people did start to notice. Bearing in mind it wasn't a lot of people, but it was the people Hyunjin didn't want to risk alerting the most. The whole thought had him nervous.

Most specifically, Felix had noticed. He liked Felix. Sure, everyone did, but Hyunjin wanted Felix to himself- wanted to have Felix to comfort him in his times of need, in his times of sorrow. Felix, had noticed; and he wasn't about to ignore his guts.

How Hyunjin was spending more time than necessary practicing, taking more care in his appearance than normal, wearing more covering and body hiding clothes for the simpler tasks. He was applying more makeup in the less obvious places, hiding his arms, covering them immediately after noticing they were exposed. 

This was leaving Felix _extremely _clear signals something was not completely right, but Hyunjin was an odd child anyways. That was a useless attempt to lighten the mood, but Felix _knew_ that _something_ was _wrong._

There was one time, Hyunjin was woken by the sound of Jisung groaning and rubbing his head into the crook of Hyunjin's neck. 'Wake up, Jinnie.' He heard, it was distorted, like he had been hit in the head. His pounding migraine definitely made that feel real. Each breath in would bring a searing pain along with it, and a cold shiver was sent down his spine to accompany the [what felt like filthy] air that had taken a place in his lungs. 

'Hyung, wake up...' Jisung groaned again, pitch of voice highers as he leant down to kiss Hyunjin's forehead. 

Jisung knew that Hyunjin loved skinship. He was the clingiest of the members if not tied with Jisung and Minho. But when Hyunjin leaned away from the touch, hands immediately retreating to his hoodie sleeve covered wrists, Jisung knew something was bothering the older.

Hyunjin didn't even moan about having to miss breakfast; he instead got up and felt dazed and groggy. He put strength and effort into getting out of bed, so much he almost knocked him self off the edge. Wait no, he did. His body hit the floor with a thud that attracted the attention of his roomates and Jisung, who skipped over to him and jokingly asked if he was okay.

Hyunjin lifted his head from the wooden floor and waved his arms around, signifying he was okay. But deep down, he [and the other 4] knew he was _not okay. _He wanted to cry. He wanted to run away and never be found. He wanted to erase himself from history and hoped no one would notice.

They went to practice, Hyunjin trailing along a little confused and downright exhausted that he would stumble at times. Felix had been there to fortunately catch the boy. A few sessions of practice had passed, Minho and Chan agreeing that Felix should take the now sweating and panting Hyunjin in his arms home. His face was drained of colour, his normally plush lips were now chapped, his hair was everywhere and his attention was given to the members only to be taken by his thoughts a few moments later.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Once they reached the pickup driver who would take them back, Felix ushered Hyunjin into the backseat with him, hand tightly squeezing his as support. Hyunjin was never like this, that put Felix on edge, but the fact that he was quite, drained emotionally and physically was alarming for the younger. Their comeback wasn't for another 2 months so Felix had no idea why the other was like this. 

After they reached the dorm and got inside, Felix threw his arms around Hyunjin, effectively trapping him in his grasp as Hyunjin began to panic and flail around. Sure, Felix had other ways to do this that didn't make him look like a serial rapist, but he found his was efficient for soothing Hyunjin since he could whisper sweet nothings down the taller's ears from his position. 

''What are you-'' Hyunjin began, cutting himself off when Felix tightened his hold and nuzzled his neck into the space of his neck. Hyunjin always found this action endearing, and even though he was visibly not okay with the whole situation, Felix was easing him and his nerves in this single moment. 

"Hyung, you know you can tell me if something's bothering you." Felix whispered, a honey-like sweet tone lacing his words. 

Hyunjin stiffened, and his breath hitched. He now knew that Felix knew, and he didn't like it. He didnt like that Felix could see him vulnerable. He didn't like that it was _Felix._ One of the younger members had to see him like this; it worried and hurt him. Felix seemed unfazed however, and boldy pushed. "Hyungie... Please tell me, I need to know to help you." 

Hyunjin let out his breath and in one wild motion, flew out of Felix's arms and onto the floor. "You can't help me, no one can." He whispered. The crack in his voice was evident either way.

Felix was shocked. The older would _always_ lean into the touch. His touch. "I'm sorry Hyunjin hyung." He sighed, and his footsteps tredded slowly down the hall, the sounds fading into nothing. 

Hyunjin checked the time- 15:34 pm. 

He had time.. He wiped his tears, and shuffled through his bag. He rummaged through it, trying to be as discrete as he could. Aha! He found it. The metal shape glistened in the light and reflected the blinding colour onto the walls. 

This was the solution to his problems, as he called it. This is what made everything better. Gave him something to focus on rather than his overpowering emotions. 

The boy took in a large breathe, holding it in and clenching his jaw as he brought the small razor to his arm. The metal object ghosted his skin before he pushed down, grazing his limb. There were trails of broken skin on his arm. It didn't hurt yet, what did hurt was what he did next. He applied an immense force, causing the object that was no larger than half of his palm to slice his skin and watched as the crimson liquid trickled out and down the rest of his skin. He blew into the cuts harshly, amplifying the searing pain that was flowing throughout his arm.

It quickly dried, leaving trails of sanguine decoration on him. He whimpered at the combination of pain and throbbing. It felt so wrong, but felt so right. Wrong in the sense that it was letting down everyone who had trusted him, going behind them and not planning to tell them. However, it felt right in the sense that he was punishing himself for being so useless, so easy to break, so easy to control. He needed this punishment, and who better than himself to lay it upon him? 

He felt so good, so powerful, compared to his past, where he felt helpless and weak. That feeling of power and control was short lived, as he felt small hands grip his wrists and pull him into a tight hold. "Hyunjin, what the fuck?!" Felix yelled as he forced the aforementioned boy into a crushing hug. Hyunjin felt his sight getting cloudy, his eyes brimming with tears. He felt weak again, and he went limp in the younger's arms, where he would cradle Hyunjin like he was the most fragile object that could ever be handled.

Hyunjin broke down, violently too. His scarred arms became obviously visible, inviting Felix's sharp gasps. "Hyung, what did you do..." He breathed, dragging a finger along the older's arms, not actually touching the skin.

His palm opened, blood dripping from it along with the metallic razor. 

He whimpered and cried, sharp inhales becoming the only audible sound in his ears. 

Felix pulled him closer, until his body met his. He wiped at Hyunjin's tears, carded his fingers through this hair, he rubbed his hand soothingly against the older's cheek. 

They were a huddle on the floor, Felix being his only source of support. He felt so weak, so stupid. Felix having to go through the trouble of soothing him and rubbing soft circles on his back just made him feel like more of a burden. 

There was pain steaking at his arm, his mind, his heart. He felt so bad, that Felix had to see him like this, had to hold him and treat him like the baby he is. He was disgusted by his current state, hating every moment. 

"Tell me everything, Hyungie," Felix weakly coaxed him.

Hyunjin felt his walls crack and crumble, as his emotions overwhelmed him and soon he was crying puddles. Felix simply tightened his hold, and Hyunjin pushed himself closer- as if Felix would disappear and he would be alone to feel useless and unneeded again. 

"I'm sorry, Lix." Hyunjin whined between sobs. He felt so weak and fragile, so dependent on the younger. 

"I'm sorry for worrying you, for scaring you, for making you feel bad for me. It'll all be over soon when I can find the time to leave... leave, and not come bac-" He was cut off by the younger's lips crashing against his chapped ones. His eyes widened magnificently, while Felix's were squinted harshly. Felix pulled back with tears in his eyes. He looked worse than Hyunjin for someone who had just been crying for literally a second. "Why-" the elder began, only to be cut off by Felix's cracking voice. 

"I'm sorry, but I love you too much to stop myself from letting you know. It hurt me so much, to see that you were doing this to yourself and making the situation worse.. I just wish you would come to me, go to anyone for help. I love you, Hyunjin." He muttered the last sentence at a lower tone- Hyunjin still heard it clearly.

The whole scene was endearing and made Hyunjin's heart clench. He wanted to say it back, he really did. He wanted to let Felix know that he liked him back, so much.. He wanted to hold him, wanted to tell him everything he found beautiful about the younger...

_But how was he supposed to tell someone else he loved them when he couldn't even tell himself something similar? _

They opted to simply enjoy each other's warmth, each others presence in the comfort of Hyunjin's bed. It was closer, after all.

The next few hours were a blur, Hyunjin telling Felix about his thoughts and emotions, having to watch Felix's composure become distorted and eventually fully obstructed. They were a crying heap within the warmth and comfort of their thick blankets.

Sooner or later, the rest of the group made their way back to the dorms, acknowledging the presence of the two dancers under the blankets with their bodies contorted to fit each others positions, legs entangled and arms hooked over each other while Hyunjin's head was tucked into the small area in front of the younger's chest.

If anyone noticed the dried trails of tears on both their faces, they didn't say anything. Neither did they say anything about the pictures Minho and Jeongin took of them without them knowing.

The next day, Felix and Hyunjin were near insperable. Felix refused to go anywhere further than a few feet of his elder, and insisted on sitting in a close proximity at all times. Even when kissed Hyunjin the second time in those couple days. The elder was showered with constant loving. They loved each other so dearly, with such compassion and sheer admiration.

The members got even closer, being given an explanation and offering Hyunjin whatever space he needed. They would always try to cheer him up, and it worked. If it didn't, Hyunjin was an amazing actor. Let's just be happy he isn't when he's flustered and filled to the brim with love and happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you sosososososo much for reading! <3
> 
> Please comment to give me motivation or just tell me what you think about my works! ;D 
> 
> Instagram(s): staymoments  
Or  
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> 
> Twitter: StayOnceThings


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